The Real Reason You Should Get In Shape

Last night my boyfriend and I went to see Super 8. We both enjoyed the movie and I was glad that I hadn’t really read anything about it. I had no expectations whatsoever and I was pleased with the results. That being said, though I was engrossed in the story and the action for most of the film, one thing kept turning over and over in my mind:

If I was in this situation, would I be in good enough shape to run for miles without stopping and escape the monster?

Years ago when I first started watching LOST (another JJ Abrams production), I was not in nearly as good of shape as I am now, and I remember having a conversation with my best friend about how we would definitely both be dead if we had survived the plane crash and landed on the island.  I mean, come on, scaling huge island mountains, chasing down wild boar, escaping loose polar bears, and running from the Others, or worse, the Smoke Monster—there was no way I would have made it longer than a week. I just didn’t have the body strength for it.

But I think I do now.

"How did she escape my wrath?! She must have incredible endurance from all that spinning and Body Pump!"

Sometimes when I think about zombies (which is more often than you might think), I consider what my options would be and if I would be able to get myself and my cats to a safe shelter without having our brains eaten. If they were 28 Days Later zombies, I think my chances would be slim, because although I have some endurance, I don’t run very fast. But if they were Shaun of the Dead zombies, I think I could run fast enough to get away or swing a bat or other blunt object hard enough to kill a few zombies. I also think my body could take a bit of a beating from things like jumping over fences (which I think I could do in an extreme situation), rolling on the ground to avoid something swinging at me (ditto), and with enough adrenaline, I think I could kick pretty hard.

"Damn, she must work out. Look at her go!"

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The conclusion I’ve come up with is that everyone should get into shape if for no other reason than being able to survive a monster movie-esque attack on society. You never know when it could happen. You need to be ready to run, ready to fight, and ready to survive. All you have is the strength of your body and your wits! You’re really gambling if you’re relying on wits alone. Being in shape is essential for survival!

Unless you're far too lovable to die. Then things will just work themselves out.

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Next time you feel like skipping the gym or shying away from something you haven’t tried before, like a weight lifting class or a spinning session, think about what would happen if we were suddenly under attack and needed to run the fuck away or fight.  Just think about it.

"Should have gotten off the couch, slowpoke."

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The only time I feel like my wits would serve me better than my strength is in a situation with attractive vampires. As we all know, they’re way too fast to really escape them, but if you can intrigue or interest them enough, you might have a chance of living as a sex slave or an informant or something—at least for awhile.

There are worse fates in life.

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Ugly vampires always seem to be really stupid, so outrunning or outsmarting them might be viable options. I guess I’d need to test the theory.

At any rate, you better get in shape, and soon. Danger lurks around every corner.

Working It Out: Goals For March

I don’t mean to be hateful, because I know it’s snowing pretty much everywhere else in the United States right now, but…

Ah, Florida in February. But what's going on with my hair?

And yeah, Mark is definitely naked.  So is that portly man in the background.  Thanks, Playa Linda Lot 13!

This is one of the best times of year for us because it’s not awkwardly cold (most of us don’t have proper winter clothing and we freeze when it’s like, 50 degrees) and it’s not yet so unberably  hot and humid that you can’t breathe when you walk outside. But don’t worry–I’ll pay a hefty price for gloating about beach weather in February and March come July when I’m plagued by hot rain (yes, boiling rain pours from the sky like Satan’s piss) and chub rub.

Anyway, the point of all that is that I started my beach-going extra early this year by having the first beach trip of 2011 start on the second to last day in February.  It was a great way to kick off March and it set a great tone for all of the upcoming naked beach trips we’ll have this summer.

I don’t get naked.  Look at how cute my bathing suit is!  I can’t take that off!

Along with fun and sun come my new goals for March!  But first, a quick recap of how I did in February:

I resolved to eat more protein and fewer carbs, and boy oh boy did I do it.  By dropping 15 years of vegetarianism in favor of bacon, tuna, chicken, turkey, shrimp, and other meaty delights, I definitely accomplished this goal.  I haven’t any soy since I started eating meat again and my intake of carbs and sugar has dropped dramatically and fairly painlessly.  I’ve still been carbing a little on the weekends, but I’ve been offsetting with things like running a 5k followed by spinning, yoga, and helping friends move.  Overall I feel a HUGE difference in my ability to complete endurance workouts and to repair afterward and there’s definitely been a difference in my energy levels.

My next goal was to introduce more gentle workouts, which I accomplished by going back to regular old Friday night yoga with a guy named Rich who teaches the most soothing yoga class ever.  I really like him and his yoga class, even though getting to the gym by 6 pm on Friday nights is a challenge.  I was SO sore from a Wednesday spin and interval training combo last week that I felt like the Tin Man all day on Thursday and Friday, but after Rich’s yoga on Friday evening I was all fixed up.  One hour and I was cured.  I did yoga after my 5k on Saturday to prevent shin splints and sure enough, I was shin splintless come Sunday morning.  Moral of the story.  Do yoga.  It’s good for you.

My third goal was to unplug by 11 pm on weeknights.  I kind of sort of tried to do this.  A few nights I actually did do it.  I read In Defense of Food in a week by doing this.  Some nights I slipped up though.  I tend to get really productive at night, so on days when I felt especially sluggish during the day, I tried to get stuff done at night.  Whoops.  You win some, you lose some.

My last goal was to give myself more time in the morning.  That one was another fail, although to my credit I did do it a few times.  Like, twice maybe?  I don’t know what my deal is.  I have no concept of time.  Blame math. That’s what I do.

Onto the March goals!

"About fucking time."

Goal #1: Learn how to cook new things: With meat comes questions.  I have lots of questions about meat.

My friends keep laughing at me for asking simple questions about meat. I’ve been blowing up Facebook asking for advice about how to cook things.  The lady cashing me out at Publix laughed at me for being on my phone asking a friend what to do with the chicken breasts when I got them home.  Google laughed at me for Googling “how to cook a chicken breast.” And that’s fine.  Y’all can make fun.  But I’m learning!

Exhibit A: Salmon with lemon and butter sauce

Exhibit B: MOTHERFUCKING STEAK

Exhibit C: Lemon Pepper Chicken

Okay, so I had to cut into that chicken a lot to make sure it was cooked all the way through.  BFD. But it was good.  And sorry about my shitty phone pics.  I couldn’t find my camera for a few days.  Anyway, so far I’m doing really well and I’ve been more impressed with my own cooking than I have been by restaurants.  As evidenced by these photos, I also ate a shit ton of asparagus in the last two weeks.  Last night I made spicy orange garlic shrimp that was so good I think I could get someone to propose to me by serving it. Recipe forthcoming.  So, in March I will continue to learn how to cook different meats in different ways and I’ll also do my reading on meat prep safety.  Safety first!

Goal #2: Stretch before and after workouts: Since I almost always go to workout classes I always get a little stretch in the beginning and a little in the end with the rest of the class, but I could do more on both ends and I think it would make a big difference in how I feel afterward.  I’m going to shoot for getting to the gym a few minutes before my classes to stretch properly and to stick around after class to get some extra stretch.  Stretching feels good!

Goal #3: Try some new gym classes: I’m definitely loyal to my spinning, Body Pump, yoga, power yoga, and Next Level interval training classes, but my body is really used to those workouts now.  It’s high time I started trying a few different things just to switch it up.  I went to a different kind of Cardio Strength class the other day and while I definitely wasn’t even close to coordinated enough to keep up, I felt some soreness in different muscles the next day.  Change is good. I’m going to shoot for one new class a week in addition to my regularly scheduled programming.

Goal #4: No TV as background noise: Speaking of regularly scheduled programming, I’m banning turning on the TV when I’m not actually watching something that I want and plan to watch.  Since I live alone I often turn it on just to have background noise while I’m cooking, cleaning, or working on my computer, but it’s nothing but a distraction and it jumbles my train of thought.  I’ve already been banning TV during the day when I work from home and I’ve been having a much easier time getting things done.  Pandora and iTunes provide much better background noise and I’m not getting sucked into SVU and House reruns that I’ve already seen.

So that’s March for me.  What are your goals for March?  What are your favorite meats and favorite cooking methods?  Do you stretch before and after your workouts?  Do you use the TV as background noise?  Have you tried any new classes lately?  Tell me what you got!

Working It Out: Goals for October

It’s October 1st and it is GORGEOUS outside.  My windows are open, the air is off, and I’ve been going outside without melting into a puddle.  85 degrees in October in Florida?  I’ll take it.  This is a miracle.

A miracle like perfectly toasted bread.

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In September I wanted to work on my ab strength, eat more green stuff, stop multitasking, and own everything I did.  I started going to core strength-ab stretch classes and I bought the Core Fusion Abs and Arms DVD.  My abs are still hiding under there, but I’m working on it!  I did a good job of sticking with that goal.  I ate my greens every day.  Every single day.  As far as multitasking goes, I started out fairly well, but then I realized that if I don’t multitask while doing my job, I’ll die of boredom.  I owned a lot of stuff–not everything–but a lot, including my birthday, which I’d been a sourpuss about until my best friend threw me a surprise birthday party.  This September was a way better month for me than last September.  Last September was no good.  No. Good.

I’m excited about October.  Cinnamon brooms and gourds are in the stores, Peanuts specials are starting to come on TV, fall is here, I have a new workout plan, and I’m going to be Joan Holloway for Halloween.

Srsly.

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I already have a great pink dress and I’ve ordered my gold pen necklace from Amazon.  I’m stoked.

Anyway, I’m feeling good about October.  Onto the goals!

Goal #1: Eat smaller meals more frequently.  This is one I know I should already be doing.  I had a session with a trainer at the gym the other day and we really just talked about what I’ve been doing for exercise, what I needed to switch up, and then she asked me how often I eat.  I got a little red and shamefully admitted that I usually have three meals and maybe a morning snack sometimes when I remember.  She was not pleased.  She said I absolutely have to have a pre-workout snack and a post-workout snack, and to pare down on my actual meals to make room for those snacks.  I did well today; scrambled egg and whole wheat toast for breakfast, Greek yogurt with wheat germ for a morning snack, minestrone soup with a piece of crusty toasted whole wheat baguette for lunch, an apple with Justin’s Nut Butter for a pre-workout snack, a glass of fat free chocolate milk for a post-workout snack (which helped me feel so much better almost immediately) and a mushroom sandwich at dinner with friends.  I can definitely eat like that every day and I know it’s way better for my metabolism.

Goal #2: Core Fusion 3 times a week I bought the Core Fusion Abs and Arms DVD (and I had to buy the band separately because it didn’t come in the box as promised) and I’ve done it a few times, but I know myself well enough to know I need to set an actual goal and schedule to stick with it.  I’m not big on DVDs, but I can tell it will be helpful.  I’m shooting for 30 minutes on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, which are my lighter days at the gym or my days off.

Goal #3: Start Next Level Training I don’t quite know what this is yet.  The trainer described it as 30 minutes of cardio and strength training at the same time and said “it’ll make you want to die, but it’s great.”  She’s having me do this immediately after spinning on Wednesdays.  I’m not sure if she’s insane or if I’m insane, but I’m going to do it!

Goal #4: Get my ass to places on time.  I don’t know how I became one of those assholes who’s always late.  I think it’s mostly from hanging out with people who tend to be late; I got so used to being the first person everywhere that I started to get self-conscious, so I started showing up late to things too, knowing no one else would be timely.  Living alone is also a contributor.  Since I don’t have anyone around to take getting ready cues from, and my concept of time is a little wonky due to my poor math skills, I sometimes just hang around until I have like, 20 minutes to get ready for something and then I forget to factor in travel time.  It’s a mess.  In October, I vow to be on time for both social events and for work.  At least most of the time.

Goal #5: Attempt to be less self deprecating I had a good talk with my BFF the other day about how self deprecating I am and how I probably shouldn’t be.  Most of the time, I do it for comedy, but I clearly need a new act.  I won’t become a peace-loving hippie or a “we’re all beautiful creatures” type, but I’m going to try to chill out on the self deprecation a bit.

So there’s October.  I’m going to try desperately to not listen to my insanely awesome Halloween CD until it gets closer to the actual holiday.  Just remember…

GHOSTBUSTIN’ MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!

What are your goals for October?  More importantly, what are you going to be for Halloween?

You See, The Thing About Birthdays…

Birthdays are great.  Everyone who loves you comes out to celebrate.  People buy you drinks.  People who don’t even like you very much at all pretend to be nice to you.  Your Facebook wall blows up.  People give you gifts and relatives send you money.  It’s great.  Really great.  But the thing about birthdays is….

Straight up SHARK cupcakes!

Caramel Sea Salted Cake Balls

Enormous drink that was on FIRE

Why have one cake when you can have two?

Yeah, see, that’s the thing about birthdays.  The food doesn’t stop. My birthday was yesterday–Tuesday, September 28th–but the partying started on September 23rd and it just kept going.  My best friend, Miranda, threw me a surprise party on Thursday the 23rd and made those amazing shark cupcakes with real Shark Bites candies on top (I love sharks) and our friend Sharon made those amazing caramel-salted cake balls.  There was also a huge spread of snacks and drinks–all awesome.  On Friday I went to one of those crazy Japanese hibachi grills with my friends, Alex and Catherine, and this great yuppie couple bought me that enormous flaming drink because Alex told them it was my birthday–they also secretly paid for my dinner!  On Monday I went to my friends’ Stephen and Dustin’s place for a Dexter season 5 premiere party, and we had that amazing Miami-Cuban feast and that guava cheesecake (which I made–from scratch).  Yesterday was my real birthday; I actually didn’t eat much during the day because I was busy, but then I went out to dinner with a huge group of amazing friends, had pizza, garlic balls (yeaaaaah, garlic balls) and as you can clearly see, two cakes.  I couldn’t decide between the cakes, so I got two. Two.

I mean, yeah, I had 17 people to help me eat the two little cakes, but still.  Two cakes.  I also had four beers throughout the duration of the evening.

A birthday weekend or week can do major damage to a diet. That’s the thing about birthdays.  I could have freaked out and fretted, I could have been a buzzkill and refused all the food, or I could have gone nuts and just shoved everything in my mouth.  Instead of doing any of those things, I owned my birthday, had what I wanted in reasonable amounts, and I kept up my workouts.

For real, I worked out on my birthday. I just went to power yoga, but it was something.  In the days surrounding I stuck to my regular workout schedule–spinning, yoga, core strength, and my latest addition–Les Mills Body Pump–and today, I had a post-birthday workout marathon: Body Pump, core strength, and spinning all in one day.  I’m going to continue my regular workouts as planned and go easy on sugar for the next few days, and I feel good about it.  No need to panic, no need to regret anything I ate or drank.  I have it under control. Since the holidays are sneaking up on us, this is a great revelation for me.  If I can get through a Week of Birthday without skimping on workouts or gaining weight, I can get through the holidays with no problem.

It’s good to have it all under control.  It’s even better to have such amazing friends. They seriously rule.

Here’s to another year!