I Ate Bacon (And I Liked It)

It’s true.  My fifteen year experiment in vegetarianism seems to be over.

Listen.   It’s a long story.  You might want to get yourself a snack and hit the bathroom before you start.

Welcome back.

Okay, so, I had a consultation with Your Nutritionista, Leah, about my diet and exercise habits and one of her suggestions for me was to cut down on carbs and sugar and up the fat and protein.  Fair enough.  I knew from my sugar ban that this would probably work fairly well for me.  Leah provided me with a really helpful 45 minute chat and sent me comprehensive guidelines to follow.  She said that I should focus 75% of the proportions on my meals on protein and fat and that eggs, avocado, unsweetened coconut products, and full fat dairy were my best friends.  She reassured me that it’s cool to cook with butter. She suggested some good vegetarian cooking websites and sent me a recipe for a great veggie burger to make.  She never once suggested that I stop being vegetarian, she just told me to focus on fats and proteins however I could.

Okay, great.  So I did what she said.  She told me to try it for at least two weeks to see what kind of results I had.  I ate eggs.  Lots of eggs.  Three eggs a day cooked in butter.  I ate whole avocados with Key lime juice and sea salt.  I made a big batch of veggie burgers and ate those too.  And there were more eggs.   There were also vegetables, a few fruits, some oatmeal with wheat germ and coconut milk and peanut butter, and some cheese, and more eggs.  I went through a carton in a week.

I lost about 7 pounds in the past two weeks that I’ve been following Leah’s plan.  All the holiday weight that was clinging on stubbornly just peeled right off and I didn’t feel deprived or hungry at all.  Leah’s advice is legit. I lost that weight by sticking to her plan even though I relaxed one day and had some pasta and wine at a friend’s birthday dinner and a Saturday Blue Bird cupcake with Miranda. I know enough to know that complete deprivation can only work against me and that one night wouldn’t make me gain 1,000 pounds. I could have a night off as long as I got back to my eggs, avocados, and coconut milk the next day.

But I got egged the fuck out.

Egg fail.

I love eggs, but a carton in a week was too many eggs.  I thought about how the whole point of consulting a nutritionist in the first place was to find ways to change my diet permanently so that I could maintain the healthiest (and most delicious) lifestyle possible.  The eggs and avocados were great, but after two weeks I began feeling like I was really limiting myself.  There was no way I was going to be the lady who ate a carton of eggs in a week and got measly salads at restaurants because vegetarian dishes in restaurants are usually in the realm of soy veggie burgers (on a white bun, served with french fries) or pasta, and in some cases, just sides like macaroni and cheese and baked potatoes.  I was pleased that Leah’s plan was working for me, I didn’t feel hungry since I was getting plenty of fat, and I wasn’t even having carb cravings after the first few days.  I just wondered about the sustainability of this diet in the long run. It just seemed like it would be really boring really fast, especially since my tofu cooking skills leave something to be desired.

Speaking of tofu and veggie burgers, I’d already been thinking a lot about soy products and how I know they’re not ideal sources of protein, especially from processed fake meat products.  I’ve been trying to cut back on that stuff since I became more interested in the clean eating principles last summer.  After speaking with Leah I thought even more about how it was definitely time to kick the soy for good.  I don’t particularly like any of that stuff that much anyway and I know the dangers of too much soy.

While all of this was happening, I took a trip to my doctor’s office for some check-ups and he once again felt my thyroid and wasn’t thrilled with what he felt.  He reminded me of my Vitamin B12 deficiency issues and heaved a big sigh when I told him I’m a vegetarian and just take a multivitamin every day.  He wrote down a brand of B12 vitamins to try and sent me off to get blood tests for pretty much everything.  He’s very thorough, which is cool.

So, I had a lot to think about.  Though neither Leah nor my doctor suggested I eat meat, I just kind of started wondering what would happen if I did.  It’s something I’ve thought about here and there over the years, but never felt like really trying.  I just wondered.  But this time I really wondered, especially since I know the B12 deficiency is serious, and yes I can take pills every day to help with that, but I want to be healthy without having to take a ton of pills because I eat well and exercise a lot and I don’t want to get my nutrition from pills, I want to get it from food.

My curiosity started nagging me, so I agreed to go to a seafood restaurant with a couple of friends and I ordered grilled tilapia.  I took tiny bites of it and left half on the plate.  I didn’t take it home.  I couldn’t bring myself to eat the whole thing.  I just couldn’t.

I went home and thought about it all night.  I asked myself what I was afraid of.  I was never an ethical vegetarian, though that was a nice bonus.  Why did I become a vegetarian in the first place? It’s a good question and I have a few answers for when people ask, all of which are true, but have deeper-seated issues connected to them than I ever let on.  I had a ton of anxiety when I was a kid.  I still do, actually.  When I was 12 years old, I saw a 20/20 on Mad Cow disease and became terrified that I would get it if I ate red meat.  The next day I told my mother that I wasn’t eating red meat anymore.  It worked out for me because I always hated hamburger night and meatloaf night at our house and it meant those ended.  I don’t think my parents know how to make a good burger.

I still ate chicken and turkey for a period of time, but kicked it when I was about 15 because I could.  I just wanted to see how long I could go and it eventually became a lifestyle.  I never ate fish except tuna fish growing up, so I didn’t even have to give up seafood–it was already a non-issue.  By 15 I was a full-fledged vegetarian and over the years I got used to it.  Since I wasn’t doing it for ethical reasons I never really got on a high horse about it.  I’ve dated guys who’d eat meat raw if you gave it to them that way.  I’ve never turned my nose up at someone else’s meals.  I’ve always tried my hardest to never let my dietary choices be a burden on others.  I’m a strong believer that people’s personal choices about food are just that–personal, and should really be respected.

I convinced myself that I didn’t eat meat because I didn’t like the idea of chewing on flesh, that it made me think of cannibalism and zombies and generally just freaked me out.  I guess I was making lots of rationalizations for a diet that I now realize stemmed from anxiety and a need to have control over something in my life. My family was going through stuff when I swore off red meat at 12 and continued to go through stuff when I gave up meat altogether.  I think that my anxiety manifested into what eventually became my vegetarian diet. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense, especially since I’ve recently been working specifically on my anxiety.

So the other day, I told my mom that I was trying to eat seafood and she suggested that I try chicken.  I recoiled.  I didn’t feel ready for that.  I did decide to try to eat more seafood though.  Over the weekend I accidentally popped a fried shrimp in my mouth, thinking it was a fried onion.  It was part of an appetizer at my friend’s birthday and the fried shrimp was  good.  I had a few more.  I mean, you deep fry anything and I’ll think it’s good, so it wasn’t really surprise, but I didn’t feel weird eating it.  It was enjoyable.  A few nights later I had dinner with my friend and decided to get the scallops.  Again, not a bad experience.  I started to feel like this was something I could do, but I felt like something was missing.

A few days later I struggled through an hour long Body Pump class and all I could think about was going home and eating some protein to relieve and repair my aching muscles.  The thought of three more eggs made me feel queasy.  I went to Publix and ordered a 1/4 pound of turkey from the deli on a whim.  Deli turkey was something I specifically remembered liking back when I ate meat.  I brought it home and put it on the counter and stared at it.  And stared at it. I broke off a few bites for my cats.  They certainly seemed to enjoy it.  I stared at the turkey a little more.  In my head, something like this happened:

Me: I don’t know about this, turkey.

Turkey: …

Me: How is this going to go down?

Turkey:…

Me: Why am I talking to myself?

Turkey:…

So I ate a piece.  I chewed.  I didn’t die. It was actually good.  I ate another piece.  I enjoyed it.

I spent the night reading testimonials from people who had gone from vegetarian to omnivorous diets.  The next day I woke up feeling more energized than I should have for getting three hours of sleep.  I went to lunch with a friend and got brave.

I ordered a sandwich with bacon.

"Embrace me!"

I mean, come on, it’s bacon. Do you even have to ask if it was good?  It was fucking great.

After a few days of this, I realized I was no longer scared.  I was suddenly kind of excited and exhilarated at the idea of essentially having a whole new world of food choices available to me and at kind of being a new person who didn’t let anxiety dictate her diet.

Despite that, this wasn’t an easy decision for me. It’s one I really grappled with and it was emotional.  It goes without saying that it has given me a ton of anxiety these past two weeks.  When I was weighing the pros and cons of possibly allowing meat back into my diet I went through a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions.  I worried that I’d feel like a failure or be seen as one.  My vegetarian friends will undoubtedly be shocked and disappointed by this.  I can only hope that the people who love me will respect me enough to take it easy on me.  I finally came to the conclusion that while I hate to disappoint others, no one else has to live inside my body or my mind. It’s my decision in the end and it doesn’t affect anyone but me.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

I was a good vegetarian.  I made a choice and stuck with it for as long as I felt was healthy for me.  I love a lot of foods that I might not have tried if it weren’t for vegetarianism, I discovered my undying love for mushrooms, and most importantly, I learned how to be open to trying new things.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

The truth is simply that I think I’m finally ready to move on from that stage of my life.  It’s significant for me because it means I’m making some progress, mentally.  It’s strange and uncertain and I don’t know what exactly the change will bring.  I certainly can’t say I’ll never go back to vegetarianism or that I definitely will.  I don’t know.  I prefer to think I’ll finally get to a place where I can eat good, real food and that I won’t have to be boxed into a label. As of right now I’m easing myself into the world of omnivorous living and I, of course, plan to only buy grass-fed sustainable meat when I buy it to cook, but uh, I don’t actually know how to cook meat, so there’s going to be a learning curve.

Any former vegetarians out there who have experienced this?  Current vegetarians who get it?  Current vegetarians who don’t?  Let’s hear it all.

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